Second Day..

So today was my second day of my second first year of medical school. During today’s orientation, we had a lecture called “Campus Safety.” Thinking that this would be very similar to last year’s orientation lectures, I didn’t really think much of the topic. So when the talk on substance abuse quickly turned to sexual assault, I was a bit taken by surprise. The speaker gave some statistics which I already knew from my own research. Then they gave an example of a female’s account of her rape:

“When he was finally done, I just laid there. I either fell asleep or passed out. I woke to him touching my groin and telling me I was the best sex ever. I then got up and started dressing. He then called me a whore and slut and every other name he could think of. I went home. Showered. And did nothing. He called the next day as if nothing had happened and I just hung up.”

This is pretty much the same as my account. Almost verbatim. The rest of the lecture was a blur as one would expect. And while it is a good thing that the administrators are learning from their mistake of not addressing this issue the previous years, it was difficult for me to grasp that concept while it was happening.

The speaker also explained that “freezing, disassociation, or feeling threatened may interfere with fighting back and or fleeing.” THIS RIGHT HERE, THIS is the answer to, “Well, didn’t you fight back?”

The rest of the day went by with some sadness, but soon enough, the tears were gone. Looking back on the experience, I feel a huge sense of pride that my awful experience will have the potential to someday help someone else. Not only has this directly impacted the way that the medical school faculty view “personal safety,” but now almost 200 first-year medical and pharmacy students have been exposed to what rape is. Rape does not usually happen with someone attacking you on the street. 76% of the time, your attacker will be someone you know! Which CAN include a fellow med student. And you thought health care is unethical. How about RAPIST doctors?! What about that? Back to the point, the experience was not a pleasant one, but definitely one that turned out to be something I am glad I experienced. Here’s to hoping the rest of the week won’t be as emotionally disturbing!

Terrorist?

Shortly after I was raped, I was involved in a discussion about worldly events with some close friends. I don’t remember the exact conversation, but it somehow led to terrorism. Someone said, “Not all people from [country] are terrorists. It’s just the [actual terrorist group] who are.” This comment really bothered me, but I couldn’t figure out why. It is important to know that HE is from that country. And I wondered to myself, “Is he a terrorist?”

According to Wikipedia:

“common definitions of terrorism refer only to those acts which (1) are intended to create fear (terror), (2) are perpetrated for an ideological goal (as opposed to a materialistic goal or a lone attack), and (3) deliberately target (or disregard the safety of) non-combatants. Some definitions also include acts of unlawful violence or war.”

Let’s review this. Was the act intended to create fear? I’m really not sure what he was thinking, but I would have to assume yes. Now, while the attack may have not been for an “ideological goal” and the actual event was a lone attack, it is NOT a lone attack for me. In my nightmares, insomnia, panic attacks, depression, therapy, etc., he attacks me again and again and again. And while he may not be aware of this attacking, I am. So, no, not a lone attack. Did he deliberately target and disregard the safety of a non-combatant? Well, he definitely targeted me and disregarded my safety in more ways than one. And since I am not engaged in combat nor was I at that time, I am going to call myself a non-combatant. Finally, was this an act of unlawful violence? While it may not have been slam-my-head-into-the-wall physically violent, rape is violent AND unlawful. So, I think we can conclude that this incident was an act of terrorism, and thus, my rapist is a terrorist.

Why does this bother me? Isn’t every rapist a terrorist, you say? Yes, I would agree with that, but not every rapist has gone out of his way to prove that he is not a terrorist to his friends and his victim. During our friendship, I would say that he felt sensitive about the issue of racial stereotypes, particularly about being seen as a “terrorist”. He would often complain about having to be stopped when going through airport security, how traveling into his own country was especially difficult because of the violence there, and about how he had to be clean-cut and “look American” when he went on vacation. I am not saying that this is right, but that is not what this is about. He often said these things in a joking manner, but it was obvious that it was a defense mechanism. He really wanted to prove that he was not a terrorist. Well, that really didn’t work. His character and actions greatly diminished, if not completely killed his credibility. So while he spent so much time proving to his friends and himself that he was not a terrorist, he did one thing that made him just that.

While I never thought of race as a factor in my rape and would not consider myself racist because of it, it is difficult to ignore the ethnic and cultural factors that are involved in such a violent act. In my trying to figure out what really happened to me, I came upon this article written by Joanna Connors of The Plain Dealer. She gives an intimate account of her rape, and in it, talks about race and culture as a factor. Although my situation was nowhere near the same, I can’t help but wonder what role race played in it all.

Therapy Update

Last Tuesday I went back to Dr. S., psychiatrist, for my two week follow up appointment. We talked about how the school wanted her to verify that I was okay to stay in school with him, but it was mostly just to see how the medications were working. She increased my dosage of Celexa from the starting dose of 10 mg to 20 mg, still a relatively small dose. The medicine to help me sleep, Seroquel (25 mg) was making me drowsy, but not enough to stay asleep through the entire night. She told me to take the whole pill (50 mg) and see if that worked. If not, she wrote a script for Ambien, but I am hesitant to take that because of the side effects. The Seroquel in the higher dose definitely puts me to sleep and allows me to stay asleep, but for too long! I need sleep, but 12 hours definitely puts limits on my day! So my goals for the next few days are to figure out this sleeping thing. Any suggestions?

On Friday I saw a psychologist in my hometown. When we talked to a family friend and attorney, he very strongly encouraged me to see this woman because she is great at what she does. After driving an hour home and filling out an hour’s worth of paperwork, she told me that it is unethical to see more than one therapist. I agree, but SHE KNEW that I was seeing someone else closer to school, so I’m not sure why she still allowed me to come in. What a waste. So my initial impression of her was not good. She then asked me a series of questions that were intrusive/not AT ALL helpful, especially considering she was not going to treat me. Example:

Psych:  He is your classmate, yes?

Daisy:  Yes.

P:  So you have to see him everyday?

D:  Yes.

P:  Oh, that must be really difficult.

D’s brain:  Gee, thanks for your empathic statement. I am in a school that is teaching me how to interview people and make empathic statements such as those. Except that your empathic statement totally SUCKED. Try to sound more convincing PLEASE.

D:  Yes.

P:  Have you spoken to him about this incident?

D’s brain:  Yes. The next day at school, I said, “Hey, what the hell was last night?” He said, “What do you mean?” I said, “I did not want that.” He said, “So are you saying that I raped you?” I said, “Well, yes.” He said, “HAHA, well don’t call the cops.”

D:  No.

P:  Oh. Well, you don’t ever allow yourself to be in a room alone with him, do you?

D:  Umm.. NO?!?

P:  Good, good. Do you take extra precautions when leaving the school late at night?

D:  Yes. (Paranoia sets in)

The rest of the conversation went along those lines. When I mentioned that was seeing a psychiatrist, she immediately asked if I was on mediciation. I felt like she was judging me for taking the easy way out. Like, listen lady, I completely agree that it is good to talk about it and to avoid medication if at all possible. But really? If I have one bad week, it completely screws up my life. I am a highly stressed grad student. An exam every 2-3 weeks does not allow for an entire bad week! So if medication is what I need to get through this, medication it will be! I guess it is not surprising that I left her office feeling completely unsatisfied.

Three Months

It happened on November 30. I feel protected knowing that there is not technically a 3 month anniversary whatever.

Letter to Administrator

Hi [Administrator]! I just wanted to clarify a few things from our meeting earlier this week.
 
First, I want to be sure that I understand you correctly regarding the information from my physician. From what I understand, she is to tell you whether or not I am mentally stable enough to continue in graduate school. Is this correct, or are you looking for something more along the lines of “is okay to stay in an environment with her attacker?” I do not wish to release my medical records, so I would like to be as clear to her as I can in what you are requesting. Please let me know if I am misunderstanding!
 
I would also like to apologize for coming off so closed in our meeting. Honestly, I was taken aback by your request and would like you to understand why. While I completely understand why a request such as this is necessary, I felt like my privacy was being invaded. I was thinking, “He did this awful thing to me, and yet I am the one who has to prove that I can still be here.” This really confused and upset me, and I was unable to communicate my feelings to you after that point. I had been having some issues with the way I was been feeling towards the situation. My symptoms, as I have been told by several mental health professionals, fit exactly with those of post-traumatic stress disorder. They assured me that my feelings are normal for someone who has been through a similar situation. It helps immensely to know that this is normal and that I am not alone. I will be starting an intense weekly therapy program for PTSD in early March. I am hoping it is what I will need to get through this.
 
Another thing that I wanted to discuss with you was the way that the initial situation was handled. I willingly gave you permission to share some things from our conversation in hopes that he would know that I was not going to do nothing about the situation. I understand that your conversation with him is confidential, but I feel that I should know what was shared with him from the conversation that you and I had. I know that we discussed this previously, but I just wanted to let you know how I felt. When he raped me, he took something away from me and became in control. Feeling like I had no control was one of the first things that I felt after the initial shock of the situation. In talking to [school counselor], she reminded me that I did have control through my right to press charges, inform the school, etc. From that point, I felt as though I did have control of my life again. However, when I talked to you after you had spoken to him, I felt as though he had power over me again. From my perspective, he now knew how I felt, how you felt, and how the situation was proceeding. I knew nothing. This made me feel completely weak and powerless (the initial feelings of the rape). It made me hesitant to discuss these matters with you further.
 
The reason I am telling you all of this is so that I feel more comfortable talking to you about how I am feeling and the way that things are progressing with my healing process. I really appreciate all that you are doing to promote that. I hope that my comments will be valuable in helping you understand my perspective if this ever (God forbid) happens to another student. I also want to thank you for handling the situation two weeks ago. You asked how I felt about it, and I honestly feel relieved. While I am positively certain that I would not have hurt myself, I was feeling hopeless. Bringing that to the attention of my family and having the opportunity to tell them about the rape lifted a huge burden off my chest. I didn’t know how much having their support would help me. I am very grateful for the way that day turned out, and would not take that back for anything. It was truly a blessing in disguise.
 
Thank you for listening. Talk to you soon!
 
Daisy

Day 4 + Vagina Monologues

Day 4 went well. I took the Seroquel last night again and felt the same groggy effects in the morning. Maybe it is worth it. Who knows.

Tonight I saw the Vagina Monologues for the second time. It was AMAZING. It is definitely something every woman should see. The most amazing part, however, was after the show. I had been preparing for this moment the entire show. I remembered from last year that during her closing comments, the director asked those who have been raped, sexually abused, etc. to stand. I was ready for this and thought it would be fine. As we were waiting for the show to begin, a group of three classmates/acquaintances sat directly behind us — one being not only a very, very close friend of my attacker but a huge gossip (essentially the worst person aside from him sitting there).  This sent me straight into panic mode. Throughout the show, I periodically remembered what would happen after the show. When the show ended, the director said something that was so beautiful along the lines of “In a minute I am going to ask all of those who have been raped, beaten, abused to stand up so we can embrace them, support them, love them. Please stand.” I stood up and it was the most amazing feeling I had felt since the rape. I took a deep breath and stood there with feelings of pride and victory for overcoming such a thing. It seemed like hours passed. The director then called those who knew someone who had been raped, beaten, abused to stand. My roommates stood up next to me which filled me with so much comfort and support. I knew they would stand and I needed them to. The three girls behind me also stood up. I’m not sure if they stood up for me, or if it was for someone else that they knew. I know if they didn’t know someone, they would have for me. This gesture meant so much. The environment was so supportive and loving. When the lights went on, I felt that my cheeks were still red from the panic and bliss. I worried about making eye contact with the girls behind us, and didn’t with two of them. The one on the end put her hand on my arm and verbally made a comment about my coat, but really was saying, “I am so sorry. I had no idea.” On our walk to the car, my roommates and I discussed how I felt. They told me how proud they were of me and that they loved me. It was a wonderful evening that I would love to experience every time I am feeling defeated.

Anger & Forgiveness

Tom,

I finally feel angry towards you. Before I felt sad and angry about the situation, but never angry towards you. I was encouraged from my support system to feel angry towards you, but those feelings were never true. Now they are. I hate you for what you did and I do not ever want to forgive you. Is it even necessary that I forgive you? Is it a sin for me to not forgive you for doing something so awful to me? Why would I forgive you? You don’t deserve it, but I do. I guess that is my answer. After I get past the hurt and the anger, I will forgive you so that I can have peace with myself. I am NOT forgiving you because you deserve it. You deserve nothing but to burn in hell, you rotten son of a bitch.

Daisy

To: Tom Buchanan

Tom,

How could you? If cheating and lying was not bad enough, you had to go and do this. You walked back into my life after I had pushed you out. Why? The most disgusting part of that is that you did it as someone else. That one week, you acted as though you were some hero coming to save me from the hell-fires I was(n’t) in. Your words and actions towards me gave me every reason to believe that you were telling the truth, every reason to think that you really cared. Why didn’t I see through you? I trusted you. When you told me you were having problems with your girlfriend, I helped  you understand your feelings. Why did you take advantage of that? I was clear about not wanting a physical relationship with you. Why didn’t you listen? Why didn’t you listen to me when I told you I didn’t want that? I wasn’t lying. I really didn’t. Did you feel me resisting? I know you did. Admit it. Why were you so shocked that I walked out your door? I was the one in shock. I felt like I had gone against everything that I believed. Why would I do that with someone who I knew was a compulsive liar and a horrible person? It took telling my story to a friend. And until that friend said that awful word, I didn’t know think of it like that. Then it hit me. Then I wondered, “What really happened last night?” And I knew. I knew that there was a part of me that died, that you killed. I blamed myself for a few days. I thought that maybe something that I did provoked you to do this. Conversations in my head went back and forth. Maybe I wasn’t assertive enough with my words. But you KNOW me. We were friends. You would know if I wasn’t willing to partake in such a thing. Did you feel entitled to take that part of me because of your sick jealousy? Jealousy doesn’t justify something, and those people you are jealous of? They ARE better than you, and always will be. Why? Because they don’t RAPE people. You know that. That night changed everything. Your manipulative ways have caused me to rethink my entire existence. But I will not let you control me. No. I live my life as I would. Yes, I hurt inside from the pain that you have caused, but it does not control me. Not one bit.

 Daisy

Protected: It Happened

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