Second Day..

So today was my second day of my second first year of medical school. During today’s orientation, we had a lecture called “Campus Safety.” Thinking that this would be very similar to last year’s orientation lectures, I didn’t really think much of the topic. So when the talk on substance abuse quickly turned to sexual assault, I was a bit taken by surprise. The speaker gave some statistics which I already knew from my own research. Then they gave an example of a female’s account of her rape:

“When he was finally done, I just laid there. I either fell asleep or passed out. I woke to him touching my groin and telling me I was the best sex ever. I then got up and started dressing. He then called me a whore and slut and every other name he could think of. I went home. Showered. And did nothing. He called the next day as if nothing had happened and I just hung up.”

This is pretty much the same as my account. Almost verbatim. The rest of the lecture was a blur as one would expect. And while it is a good thing that the administrators are learning from their mistake of not addressing this issue the previous years, it was difficult for me to grasp that concept while it was happening.

The speaker also explained that “freezing, disassociation, or feeling threatened may interfere with fighting back and or fleeing.” THIS RIGHT HERE, THIS is the answer to, “Well, didn’t you fight back?”

The rest of the day went by with some sadness, but soon enough, the tears were gone. Looking back on the experience, I feel a huge sense of pride that my awful experience will have the potential to someday help someone else. Not only has this directly impacted the way that the medical school faculty view “personal safety,” but now almost 200 first-year medical and pharmacy students have been exposed to what rape is. Rape does not usually happen with someone attacking you on the street. 76% of the time, your attacker will be someone you know! Which CAN include a fellow med student. And you thought health care is unethical. How about RAPIST doctors?! What about that? Back to the point, the experience was not a pleasant one, but definitely one that turned out to be something I am glad I experienced. Here’s to hoping the rest of the week won’t be as emotionally disturbing!

Staring, Sleep, Study, SVU

Today didn’t go as badly as I expected. No panic attacks! Good news! There was a really awkward moment though. I have this thing that I need to know where he is if I know that he’s going to be in close proximity. So I spotted him early in the lecture without actually looking at him. Unfortunately, my peripheral vision has heightened and it doesn’t take much for me to find him. Anyway, when the class was over, I turned to Minerva sitting next to me. And I felt him staring at me. So I glanced in that direction, and he was. STARING at me. And he didn’t stop after we made eye contact. So I told Minnie that he was staring at me. She looked and said that he looked away, but awkwardly, like he was guilty of something. Imagine that!

It made me feel dirty and violated. And I still do when I think about it. At least he got rid of his disgusting beard. Hopefully future encounters will be less uncomfortable. Maybe someone needs to threaten him to stop looking at me. He doesn’t deserve that.

On another note, I had a not so good night of sleep last night. I am still taking Ambien, but for the past two nights I have woken up sometime during the night and remembered dreams that I had. This was much different from the first four nights where I just fell asleep quickly and woke up 8 hours later feeling well and rested. The sleep is still much better than without anything or with the Seroquel, so I guess this is still the best option. Hopefully it is the DST and will resolve itself soon. I did have a really good day today. Minnie and I were rebels and ate McDonald’s after our 3 hour lecture on how the world is becoming fat (and saw our professor coming out of the drive-thru). Irony? Yes. And then we overcame our motivational issues by rewarding ourselves with TV after certain amounts of studying! It was a great solution and more productive than most days.

We watched SVU tonight, which usually doesn’t bother me. That isn’t to say that it doesn’t affect me. It definitely does. Tonight’s episode was weird. The issue of her word vs. his word came up (male student vs. male teacher), and they automatically believed the accuser and arrested the teacher immediately. This does not happen in real life for adult female rape victims of adult male attackers. Acquaintance rape is a hard thing to prove. The journey down the road of pressing charges and prosecuting a rapist is very long and severely emotionally stressful. I wish that were different. I guess we just have to have faith that our attackers will somehow get what they deserve.

Fear

Tomorrow I have to see him. I haven’t seen him for a long time. Weeks, it seems. Maybe seeing him wasn’t such a big deal before. Maybe I shouldn’t have made a big deal about things and should have just ignored it. Did telling people and going for therapy make me think about it more? Maybe that is what I need, or maybe I shouldn’t have done it. Maybe then it would be okay seeing him. I feel like when he looks at me he will know this huge secret that I have. But really, it should be his secret. I don’t care if everyone knows. He is the one who did something wrong. I bet he is not worried about tomorrow. I bet he doesn’t even care.

Terrorist?

Shortly after I was raped, I was involved in a discussion about worldly events with some close friends. I don’t remember the exact conversation, but it somehow led to terrorism. Someone said, “Not all people from [country] are terrorists. It’s just the [actual terrorist group] who are.” This comment really bothered me, but I couldn’t figure out why. It is important to know that HE is from that country. And I wondered to myself, “Is he a terrorist?”

According to Wikipedia:

“common definitions of terrorism refer only to those acts which (1) are intended to create fear (terror), (2) are perpetrated for an ideological goal (as opposed to a materialistic goal or a lone attack), and (3) deliberately target (or disregard the safety of) non-combatants. Some definitions also include acts of unlawful violence or war.”

Let’s review this. Was the act intended to create fear? I’m really not sure what he was thinking, but I would have to assume yes. Now, while the attack may have not been for an “ideological goal” and the actual event was a lone attack, it is NOT a lone attack for me. In my nightmares, insomnia, panic attacks, depression, therapy, etc., he attacks me again and again and again. And while he may not be aware of this attacking, I am. So, no, not a lone attack. Did he deliberately target and disregard the safety of a non-combatant? Well, he definitely targeted me and disregarded my safety in more ways than one. And since I am not engaged in combat nor was I at that time, I am going to call myself a non-combatant. Finally, was this an act of unlawful violence? While it may not have been slam-my-head-into-the-wall physically violent, rape is violent AND unlawful. So, I think we can conclude that this incident was an act of terrorism, and thus, my rapist is a terrorist.

Why does this bother me? Isn’t every rapist a terrorist, you say? Yes, I would agree with that, but not every rapist has gone out of his way to prove that he is not a terrorist to his friends and his victim. During our friendship, I would say that he felt sensitive about the issue of racial stereotypes, particularly about being seen as a “terrorist”. He would often complain about having to be stopped when going through airport security, how traveling into his own country was especially difficult because of the violence there, and about how he had to be clean-cut and “look American” when he went on vacation. I am not saying that this is right, but that is not what this is about. He often said these things in a joking manner, but it was obvious that it was a defense mechanism. He really wanted to prove that he was not a terrorist. Well, that really didn’t work. His character and actions greatly diminished, if not completely killed his credibility. So while he spent so much time proving to his friends and himself that he was not a terrorist, he did one thing that made him just that.

While I never thought of race as a factor in my rape and would not consider myself racist because of it, it is difficult to ignore the ethnic and cultural factors that are involved in such a violent act. In my trying to figure out what really happened to me, I came upon this article written by Joanna Connors of The Plain Dealer. She gives an intimate account of her rape, and in it, talks about race and culture as a factor. Although my situation was nowhere near the same, I can’t help but wonder what role race played in it all.

Letter to Administrator

Hi [Administrator]! I just wanted to clarify a few things from our meeting earlier this week.
 
First, I want to be sure that I understand you correctly regarding the information from my physician. From what I understand, she is to tell you whether or not I am mentally stable enough to continue in graduate school. Is this correct, or are you looking for something more along the lines of “is okay to stay in an environment with her attacker?” I do not wish to release my medical records, so I would like to be as clear to her as I can in what you are requesting. Please let me know if I am misunderstanding!
 
I would also like to apologize for coming off so closed in our meeting. Honestly, I was taken aback by your request and would like you to understand why. While I completely understand why a request such as this is necessary, I felt like my privacy was being invaded. I was thinking, “He did this awful thing to me, and yet I am the one who has to prove that I can still be here.” This really confused and upset me, and I was unable to communicate my feelings to you after that point. I had been having some issues with the way I was been feeling towards the situation. My symptoms, as I have been told by several mental health professionals, fit exactly with those of post-traumatic stress disorder. They assured me that my feelings are normal for someone who has been through a similar situation. It helps immensely to know that this is normal and that I am not alone. I will be starting an intense weekly therapy program for PTSD in early March. I am hoping it is what I will need to get through this.
 
Another thing that I wanted to discuss with you was the way that the initial situation was handled. I willingly gave you permission to share some things from our conversation in hopes that he would know that I was not going to do nothing about the situation. I understand that your conversation with him is confidential, but I feel that I should know what was shared with him from the conversation that you and I had. I know that we discussed this previously, but I just wanted to let you know how I felt. When he raped me, he took something away from me and became in control. Feeling like I had no control was one of the first things that I felt after the initial shock of the situation. In talking to [school counselor], she reminded me that I did have control through my right to press charges, inform the school, etc. From that point, I felt as though I did have control of my life again. However, when I talked to you after you had spoken to him, I felt as though he had power over me again. From my perspective, he now knew how I felt, how you felt, and how the situation was proceeding. I knew nothing. This made me feel completely weak and powerless (the initial feelings of the rape). It made me hesitant to discuss these matters with you further.
 
The reason I am telling you all of this is so that I feel more comfortable talking to you about how I am feeling and the way that things are progressing with my healing process. I really appreciate all that you are doing to promote that. I hope that my comments will be valuable in helping you understand my perspective if this ever (God forbid) happens to another student. I also want to thank you for handling the situation two weeks ago. You asked how I felt about it, and I honestly feel relieved. While I am positively certain that I would not have hurt myself, I was feeling hopeless. Bringing that to the attention of my family and having the opportunity to tell them about the rape lifted a huge burden off my chest. I didn’t know how much having their support would help me. I am very grateful for the way that day turned out, and would not take that back for anything. It was truly a blessing in disguise.
 
Thank you for listening. Talk to you soon!
 
Daisy

Anger & Forgiveness

Tom,

I finally feel angry towards you. Before I felt sad and angry about the situation, but never angry towards you. I was encouraged from my support system to feel angry towards you, but those feelings were never true. Now they are. I hate you for what you did and I do not ever want to forgive you. Is it even necessary that I forgive you? Is it a sin for me to not forgive you for doing something so awful to me? Why would I forgive you? You don’t deserve it, but I do. I guess that is my answer. After I get past the hurt and the anger, I will forgive you so that I can have peace with myself. I am NOT forgiving you because you deserve it. You deserve nothing but to burn in hell, you rotten son of a bitch.

Daisy

To: Tom Buchanan

Tom,

How could you? If cheating and lying was not bad enough, you had to go and do this. You walked back into my life after I had pushed you out. Why? The most disgusting part of that is that you did it as someone else. That one week, you acted as though you were some hero coming to save me from the hell-fires I was(n’t) in. Your words and actions towards me gave me every reason to believe that you were telling the truth, every reason to think that you really cared. Why didn’t I see through you? I trusted you. When you told me you were having problems with your girlfriend, I helped  you understand your feelings. Why did you take advantage of that? I was clear about not wanting a physical relationship with you. Why didn’t you listen? Why didn’t you listen to me when I told you I didn’t want that? I wasn’t lying. I really didn’t. Did you feel me resisting? I know you did. Admit it. Why were you so shocked that I walked out your door? I was the one in shock. I felt like I had gone against everything that I believed. Why would I do that with someone who I knew was a compulsive liar and a horrible person? It took telling my story to a friend. And until that friend said that awful word, I didn’t know think of it like that. Then it hit me. Then I wondered, “What really happened last night?” And I knew. I knew that there was a part of me that died, that you killed. I blamed myself for a few days. I thought that maybe something that I did provoked you to do this. Conversations in my head went back and forth. Maybe I wasn’t assertive enough with my words. But you KNOW me. We were friends. You would know if I wasn’t willing to partake in such a thing. Did you feel entitled to take that part of me because of your sick jealousy? Jealousy doesn’t justify something, and those people you are jealous of? They ARE better than you, and always will be. Why? Because they don’t RAPE people. You know that. That night changed everything. Your manipulative ways have caused me to rethink my entire existence. But I will not let you control me. No. I live my life as I would. Yes, I hurt inside from the pain that you have caused, but it does not control me. Not one bit.

 Daisy

Protected: It Happened

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