I am continuing my PTSD therapy by listening to the audio recording that I make during my sessions. Previously, I have just given a detailed account of the rape to the best of my ability. I then have to listen to the tape every day or every other day in an environment where I can focus and feel as though I am reliving the experience. I have to record my levels of anxiety before and after and some other levels of emotion that I am feeling. This time at therapy, I made a recording in which I only spoke about my feelings–what was happening inside of me rather than what was happening to me. Making this tape was more difficult than the previous tapes. I realized that I was not able to focus as much on this tape. In the first story, I tell my feelings as I see them now. In the second, I focus on the fear that I felt during the rape. I had trouble identifying with the fear that I felt. For example, I start out with “I am confused,” when that really means, “I am fearful because I think I know what is going to happen and I am afraid that it will.” Anyway, I will keep track here of my numbers and whatever it is that I feel like writing about after listening.
May 18, 2009
May 17, 2009
May 17
Today I feel a combination of emotions: sad, apathetic, angry about what happened, disappointed in my inability to handle this, unmotivated to keep getting better because of my lack of progress in the past few days. Yesterday was his birthday. I felt so sad and angry knowing that he was probably enjoying his day, while I am suffering because of something that he did to me. I did not choose this. I have been thinking about the unfairness of it all. I know life is not fair, but in situations like this, it is difficult to accept. I feel like giving up and just pushing all of this out. I am so tired of always thinking about it and letting it consume my life. I want to be free from this.
May 15, 2009
May 15
For the past 2 days, I have been trying to accept more what happened and make it a positive thing. I have been reinforcing the idea that this happened to me to test my faith and make me stronger. Because of this event, maybe I will succeed in dealing with a future problem in a way that I could not have if this had not happened. I have been reminded to see the good in life and stop focusing on the negative aspects of my changed life.
May 13, 2009
May 13
After listening to the tape, I feel a little anxious because I avoided the situation today. Listening and bringing back the memory made me bring out my feelings about the attack. I feel a bit unfocused because I tried to block the event from my memory. I know this is bad, but I did not really want to deal with it today. I know there will be many days like this to come. I need to work on letting what happened to me become a part of who I am rather than shutting it out and forgetting about it.
