Four Months

Today was kind of difficult because  I saw him a lot. But then I remembered the date, and it is four months! It makes me feel a little bit stronger! =)

Turn Your Face To The Sun

Turn Your Face To The Sun
Maithri Goonetilleke  
 
Beloved,

There are days when nothing seems right. When every shell you pick up on the winding shore is broken. When the silken treasure slips through your fingers too quickly. When comforts are empty. And the world is noise.

On those jagged edged days, when the wind is screaming for a reason only she understands. And you find yourself all alone.

Turn your face to the sun.

There is goodness in the world, that even the river of tears cannot erase.

There is love in the world, that the numbed armies of fear can not destroy.

Sometimes that goodness is everywhere apparent. It pours from the heart of every moment. From the light of every smile.

On those soft days, love hides in the eaves to drop like sweet honey on your forehead and sings her lilting lullabies in the arms of the winds.

But on some days, Beloved. On days like today….

We need to look, to see.

So turn your face to the sun.

Even when she is nowhere to be seen.

Go inside yourself. Find a speck, a splinter of beauty to be grateful for.

‘Yes’, the day has worn you. And ‘Yes’ our mistakes have been so many.

But say ‘Thank you’ anyway.

Take account of all that is in your possession.

A mind. A heart. A body.

A life that breathes, even if for just one more day.

Now count the eyes that have smiled
at you on your wild journey,

the hands that have held you tenderly,

the ears that have listened,

the prayers that have been made on your behalf.

And whisper your ‘Thank you’ again.

Count the sky that has watched you grow
with His painted eyes,

The heaving waves that find their echo
in the tides of your breathing,

The little birds that have sung
you their songs,

The stars which have been a lamp
to your path,
and are your
rightful inheritance.

Count unexpected laughter,

Count undeserved grace,

Count Passion and Love making and Dreams yet to be born,

And bow your head and say ‘thank you’,

Now count the lives who still need your light,

The hungry, the sick, the helpless,

Count the children who will die today

and imagine if with the breath of your body
you could help just
one.

Turn your face to the sun,
And know yourself as a child of the light.

You are the Goodness that cannot be extinguished,

The love that burns through the darkest night.

And perhaps,
In turning
You will see what i have seen,
that this day where everything seemed wrong,
was not your curse,

It was your gift,

Your chance…

To find inside yourself a forgotten ‘thank you’,

To smile in the face of the grim suppressors,

To stand in the heart of the glowering darkness
and turn your face to the sun.

 
Now here is the verse that was left out…
 
Now count the times that Doc has
Lowered his head and wagged his tail
Destroyed a ping-pong ball on the living room floor
Partaken in photoshoots for your cell phone
Count the yips, the pawing, and the high-fives
Count the smiles post-popcorn-consumption
Count the immeasurable unconditional love
and bow your head and say “Thank You”
 
I thought there needed to be a verse about Doc…and about everyone else that loves you!
 
Turn your face to the sun, honey.
 
Love you!
 
Jordan Baker

Letter 06.06

Daisy,

Sitting down to write this, I had a ton of things in my mind to tell you to explain just how much I love you, how much of a role you’ve played in shaping my character and person, and how much I’m going to miss you, but when I sat down to type them out, I realized that it is impossible to describe these things in words. I don’t know an adjective strong enough to tell you just how great you are, a measurement large enough to tell you just how far I’d go for you, or an album with a strong enough binding to hold in all the memories, good and bad, that we’ve cried, laughed, and fought through.

But now thinking about it, a binding a little worn around the edges is what we have. A bit over used and faded, even fraying in some spots, but it’s home to us. Just little things that we take for granted like my nightly goodnight speech. Sure I say it every night and we get used to just reciting it, but for the little notice it gets when I do it, I don’t know how I’m going to sleep at night without going into your room and making a dumb little joke and tucking you in goodnight. It just won’t the same anymore with out our little Daisy Mae. The other day at dinner I was wondering to myself if I’m going to have to start trimming my leg hair, because without you taking the hair off for me I don’t know what’s going to happen to my legs. I just can’t imagine living without these little things that I’ve come to expect you to do and that we kind of brush off. It hits me that you really aren’t going to be here when some of these things happen, but I just can’t imagine what it’s going to be like when they aren’t there anymore. Coming home tonight and pulling in the garage I thought to myself that I’m not going to have to fight with Daisy anymore over who’s taking the car or which one we’re taking. I’m not even sure I like that. That’s part of what I like so much about us, Daisy. We can fight and argue and scream at each other but give it a couple minutes and we’re right back on track, Daisy and Darcy.

What I find most amazing though, is that you’ve had boyfriends come and go (and in one case come again) and I’ve had girlfriends and all kinds of different friends, but you’ve stuck right by me through think and thin. You’ve been there through them all. As I’m sure you’re aware, you aren’t much of a talker, but when it came to me, you always set me straight and gave me your opinion and put me in my place if I needed it. I think that really shows a lot and it means a lot to me. Quiet old Daisy just isn’t afraid to tell her little brother what she thinks, and I think that really shows how much you care about me. If I look dumb, you’ll be the first to tell me, and it’s not because you want to make me feel bad. It’s because you don’t want me to go out in public looking like an idiot and being laughed at (most of the time I went anyway). That’s what I love though, you’re there for me whenever I need help, and that’s what a best friend is, and that’s what you are.

Since I was in 7th grade you have been my best friend in the whole wide world. That’s when I started to grow up and realize that having a big sister wasn’t such a bad thing. You went through everything before me and were looking at it from the other side so I always came to you first for advice. So from 7th grade on Daisy Mae Buchanan has been my best friend in the whole world whom I tell everything to. You might even understand me better than I understand myself.

A lot of times people know you as Daisy, Darcy’s sister, but once people get to know you, they realize how truly amazing you are. Daisy, I feel like I know you inside and out, but sometimes you surprise even me. I never know what I’m going to get with you. Sometimes you make me laugh, sometimes you make me frustrated, and sometimes you just make me wonder where you came from. But I can’t imagine life without the look, I can’t imagine not getting my eardrums blown out by you yelling my name from two feet away for no reason whatsoever. I mean sometimes you do it and don’t even look up from what you’re doing, those ones are my favorite. Just those little things that I love about you and that make you Daisy Mae just aren’t going to be there for me anymore. I laid down on my cold pillow the other day and it made me think of all the times you would come into my room just to sit on my pillow. Those are some of my favorite memories about you that I’ll always have.

To tell you the truth, I feel bad for the people who don’t have a sister or who don’t really get to know his or her sister too well. I feel like I won the lottery with my sister situation, because I got to spend 17 wonderful, remarkable, memory filled years with the best sister that I could dream up. You have helped to make me who I am. A guy who doesn’t mind watching chick flicks or talking about tampons. A guy who isn’t afraid to tell his sister he loves her and tuck her in every night. A guy who realizes that the most important thing is his life is his family. Daisy, I couldn’t ask for a better sister. I know you’ll do great in whatever you try because of your determination and hard work. But I just want you to remember that if you ever need anything or anyone, I’m here for you. A best friend and a brother.

I love you Dais.

Mr. Darcy

Staring, Sleep, Study, SVU

Today didn’t go as badly as I expected. No panic attacks! Good news! There was a really awkward moment though. I have this thing that I need to know where he is if I know that he’s going to be in close proximity. So I spotted him early in the lecture without actually looking at him. Unfortunately, my peripheral vision has heightened and it doesn’t take much for me to find him. Anyway, when the class was over, I turned to Minerva sitting next to me. And I felt him staring at me. So I glanced in that direction, and he was. STARING at me. And he didn’t stop after we made eye contact. So I told Minnie that he was staring at me. She looked and said that he looked away, but awkwardly, like he was guilty of something. Imagine that!

It made me feel dirty and violated. And I still do when I think about it. At least he got rid of his disgusting beard. Hopefully future encounters will be less uncomfortable. Maybe someone needs to threaten him to stop looking at me. He doesn’t deserve that.

On another note, I had a not so good night of sleep last night. I am still taking Ambien, but for the past two nights I have woken up sometime during the night and remembered dreams that I had. This was much different from the first four nights where I just fell asleep quickly and woke up 8 hours later feeling well and rested. The sleep is still much better than without anything or with the Seroquel, so I guess this is still the best option. Hopefully it is the DST and will resolve itself soon. I did have a really good day today. Minnie and I were rebels and ate McDonald’s after our 3 hour lecture on how the world is becoming fat (and saw our professor coming out of the drive-thru). Irony? Yes. And then we overcame our motivational issues by rewarding ourselves with TV after certain amounts of studying! It was a great solution and more productive than most days.

We watched SVU tonight, which usually doesn’t bother me. That isn’t to say that it doesn’t affect me. It definitely does. Tonight’s episode was weird. The issue of her word vs. his word came up (male student vs. male teacher), and they automatically believed the accuser and arrested the teacher immediately. This does not happen in real life for adult female rape victims of adult male attackers. Acquaintance rape is a hard thing to prove. The journey down the road of pressing charges and prosecuting a rapist is very long and severely emotionally stressful. I wish that were different. I guess we just have to have faith that our attackers will somehow get what they deserve.

Bring the Rain

Fear

Tomorrow I have to see him. I haven’t seen him for a long time. Weeks, it seems. Maybe seeing him wasn’t such a big deal before. Maybe I shouldn’t have made a big deal about things and should have just ignored it. Did telling people and going for therapy make me think about it more? Maybe that is what I need, or maybe I shouldn’t have done it. Maybe then it would be okay seeing him. I feel like when he looks at me he will know this huge secret that I have. But really, it should be his secret. I don’t care if everyone knows. He is the one who did something wrong. I bet he is not worried about tomorrow. I bet he doesn’t even care.

God’s Love

I am always with you,
even when you are not able to feel me in your heart.
I love you always,
I surround you with my protecting love,
even when you occasionally forget me.
I listen to your problems,
if you are sincere and receptive, I give you solutions.
I hear your prayers and answer those which are in the best interest
of everyone in your life including, but not limited to, you.

I am the light and the thoughts in your mind,
I am the sight in your eyes,
I am the life in your body,
I am the feelings you feel in your heart.
I am always at work in your life for your greater good,
although you may not always believe this;
hopefully, your faith in me will grow constant.
you must realize:
“my will is whatever is happening in the present moment”.
within this moment you must think and act
with integrity, humility and courage,
you must trust in me,
and surrender your will to mine through acceptance.
if you continue to demonstrate acceptance,
integrity, humility, courage and trust,
you will discover the secret of opening your heart to my love.
the greater your faith in me
the more I am able to fill your heart with my love.

it is I, who grants you the serenity to accept
the things you cannot change,
the courage to change the things you can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
eventually you will realize the samplings of love
I bestow on you through others
are purposefully designed to draw you closer to me.
it is only I, who loves you unconditionally,
I am an ever-flowing fountain of love, peace and joy,
I will never disappoint you; I will always be with you.
I mete out to you the exact amount of pain you cause others,
because I want you to be compassionate.
I want you to be able to give love and equally as important,
I want you to be able to receive love.
how else will you learn to love me?
how will you learn to accept my love?
the moment you realize the error of your ways,
the moment you sincerely regret the pain you cause others,
I forgive you; I nourish you with my tender mercies.
remember, I never stop loving you for you are my precious child.

Paul Mastromarino

PTSD Therapy

On Thursday I went to my first session of PTSD therapy. I filled out paperwork for an hour and then met with B., an almost-PhD psychologist who specializes in patients with trauma at the hospital research center. B. asked me many questions trying to figure out what my specific problem was and what type of treatment would be most beneficial for me. Nothing that she asked me was any different than what everyone else has asked me. It was quite repetitive with regards to information that I gave her. She gave me a breathing technique for when I have anxiety attacks. She also explained the scientific reasoning for PTSD, which would we both agreed would be helpful because of my science background. She explained the three clusters of symptoms with PTSD:  re-experiencing (flashbacks,recurring memories, nightmares); avoidance (avoiding memories of the attack, forgetting details, feeling distant from others); and hyper-arousal (difficulty concentrating and sleeping, feeling on guard all the time, irritability).

B. said that during the traumatic event, your sympathetic nervous response is activated. Because you then avoid the situation, your body does not have the means to recover from this, so your response remains activated. The key to this, she said, is eliminating the avoidance, which we will work on in weekly therapy. She said that because I have had just one traumatic event and am seeking help early, research indicates that I will have a good chance of recovery. I am hoping this is true. I’d like to forget this ever happened. But I guess that is part of the avoidance. The next few weeks may be difficult as I have to face these events and learn to not suppress them from my mind. So, pray that my therapy goes well and my breathing exercise work!

Breakdown

I don’t even know what happened. Something caused me to break. Maybe it was the form for spring break that said “cannot participate in gutting houses* if you have blah blah blah a current mental health condition or are on psychiatric medication.” Great. Roadblocks again because I of this stupid thing. Will it ever go away? It doesn’t seem like it. Anyway, I don’t know what it was, but something caused me to lose it. I just sat on my bed and cried and cried and cried. For no reason. I didn’t understand why God would let something so awful happen to me. A friend luckily talked some sense into me. But I still didn’t understand. I just accepted it. I couldn’t get a grip. It was right before bed, so I could have just taken the sleeping meds** and been asleep in 15 minutes. But instead I called this person and asked if he would come sit with me while I fell asleep. I didn’t want to go to sleep sad. It was only my second night of the Ambien and I didn’t know what taking it would do. So I called him. Yes, it was weak of me. But he came over without any questions and sat with me until I fell asleep. How nice is that?! What a great friend.

 

*We are not even gutting houses. Of course, I didn’t know that what it was for at the time.

**Ambien, which is working wonderfully. Except for last night, but hopefully that is because of DST.

Terrorist?

Shortly after I was raped, I was involved in a discussion about worldly events with some close friends. I don’t remember the exact conversation, but it somehow led to terrorism. Someone said, “Not all people from [country] are terrorists. It’s just the [actual terrorist group] who are.” This comment really bothered me, but I couldn’t figure out why. It is important to know that HE is from that country. And I wondered to myself, “Is he a terrorist?”

According to Wikipedia:

“common definitions of terrorism refer only to those acts which (1) are intended to create fear (terror), (2) are perpetrated for an ideological goal (as opposed to a materialistic goal or a lone attack), and (3) deliberately target (or disregard the safety of) non-combatants. Some definitions also include acts of unlawful violence or war.”

Let’s review this. Was the act intended to create fear? I’m really not sure what he was thinking, but I would have to assume yes. Now, while the attack may have not been for an “ideological goal” and the actual event was a lone attack, it is NOT a lone attack for me. In my nightmares, insomnia, panic attacks, depression, therapy, etc., he attacks me again and again and again. And while he may not be aware of this attacking, I am. So, no, not a lone attack. Did he deliberately target and disregard the safety of a non-combatant? Well, he definitely targeted me and disregarded my safety in more ways than one. And since I am not engaged in combat nor was I at that time, I am going to call myself a non-combatant. Finally, was this an act of unlawful violence? While it may not have been slam-my-head-into-the-wall physically violent, rape is violent AND unlawful. So, I think we can conclude that this incident was an act of terrorism, and thus, my rapist is a terrorist.

Why does this bother me? Isn’t every rapist a terrorist, you say? Yes, I would agree with that, but not every rapist has gone out of his way to prove that he is not a terrorist to his friends and his victim. During our friendship, I would say that he felt sensitive about the issue of racial stereotypes, particularly about being seen as a “terrorist”. He would often complain about having to be stopped when going through airport security, how traveling into his own country was especially difficult because of the violence there, and about how he had to be clean-cut and “look American” when he went on vacation. I am not saying that this is right, but that is not what this is about. He often said these things in a joking manner, but it was obvious that it was a defense mechanism. He really wanted to prove that he was not a terrorist. Well, that really didn’t work. His character and actions greatly diminished, if not completely killed his credibility. So while he spent so much time proving to his friends and himself that he was not a terrorist, he did one thing that made him just that.

While I never thought of race as a factor in my rape and would not consider myself racist because of it, it is difficult to ignore the ethnic and cultural factors that are involved in such a violent act. In my trying to figure out what really happened to me, I came upon this article written by Joanna Connors of The Plain Dealer. She gives an intimate account of her rape, and in it, talks about race and culture as a factor. Although my situation was nowhere near the same, I can’t help but wonder what role race played in it all.