Letter to Administrator

Hi [Administrator]! I just wanted to clarify a few things from our meeting earlier this week.
 
First, I want to be sure that I understand you correctly regarding the information from my physician. From what I understand, she is to tell you whether or not I am mentally stable enough to continue in graduate school. Is this correct, or are you looking for something more along the lines of “is okay to stay in an environment with her attacker?” I do not wish to release my medical records, so I would like to be as clear to her as I can in what you are requesting. Please let me know if I am misunderstanding!
 
I would also like to apologize for coming off so closed in our meeting. Honestly, I was taken aback by your request and would like you to understand why. While I completely understand why a request such as this is necessary, I felt like my privacy was being invaded. I was thinking, “He did this awful thing to me, and yet I am the one who has to prove that I can still be here.” This really confused and upset me, and I was unable to communicate my feelings to you after that point. I had been having some issues with the way I was been feeling towards the situation. My symptoms, as I have been told by several mental health professionals, fit exactly with those of post-traumatic stress disorder. They assured me that my feelings are normal for someone who has been through a similar situation. It helps immensely to know that this is normal and that I am not alone. I will be starting an intense weekly therapy program for PTSD in early March. I am hoping it is what I will need to get through this.
 
Another thing that I wanted to discuss with you was the way that the initial situation was handled. I willingly gave you permission to share some things from our conversation in hopes that he would know that I was not going to do nothing about the situation. I understand that your conversation with him is confidential, but I feel that I should know what was shared with him from the conversation that you and I had. I know that we discussed this previously, but I just wanted to let you know how I felt. When he raped me, he took something away from me and became in control. Feeling like I had no control was one of the first things that I felt after the initial shock of the situation. In talking to [school counselor], she reminded me that I did have control through my right to press charges, inform the school, etc. From that point, I felt as though I did have control of my life again. However, when I talked to you after you had spoken to him, I felt as though he had power over me again. From my perspective, he now knew how I felt, how you felt, and how the situation was proceeding. I knew nothing. This made me feel completely weak and powerless (the initial feelings of the rape). It made me hesitant to discuss these matters with you further.
 
The reason I am telling you all of this is so that I feel more comfortable talking to you about how I am feeling and the way that things are progressing with my healing process. I really appreciate all that you are doing to promote that. I hope that my comments will be valuable in helping you understand my perspective if this ever (God forbid) happens to another student. I also want to thank you for handling the situation two weeks ago. You asked how I felt about it, and I honestly feel relieved. While I am positively certain that I would not have hurt myself, I was feeling hopeless. Bringing that to the attention of my family and having the opportunity to tell them about the rape lifted a huge burden off my chest. I didn’t know how much having their support would help me. I am very grateful for the way that day turned out, and would not take that back for anything. It was truly a blessing in disguise.
 
Thank you for listening. Talk to you soon!
 
Daisy

Thank You.

I broke down today. I needed you. You were there, of course, like always. I walked into the room and couldn’t say anything. You asked me if I was okay. I said an inaudible no and tried to hold back my tears. You got up and held me close to you, pressing your body against mine, lowering my heartrate, and making me feel calm. You let me go and watched me cry and cry and cry. You didn’t say anything, yet your eyes said everything I needed to hear. When I finally spoke, you listened with your heart. You said all the right things. God does have a plan for me, and He will make sure that I get there. God gave me you to help me through this, and I thank Him every day for that. Thank you for making me feel strong, supported, and loved. There is nothing that I need more.

Day 4 + Vagina Monologues

Day 4 went well. I took the Seroquel last night again and felt the same groggy effects in the morning. Maybe it is worth it. Who knows.

Tonight I saw the Vagina Monologues for the second time. It was AMAZING. It is definitely something every woman should see. The most amazing part, however, was after the show. I had been preparing for this moment the entire show. I remembered from last year that during her closing comments, the director asked those who have been raped, sexually abused, etc. to stand. I was ready for this and thought it would be fine. As we were waiting for the show to begin, a group of three classmates/acquaintances sat directly behind us — one being not only a very, very close friend of my attacker but a huge gossip (essentially the worst person aside from him sitting there).  This sent me straight into panic mode. Throughout the show, I periodically remembered what would happen after the show. When the show ended, the director said something that was so beautiful along the lines of “In a minute I am going to ask all of those who have been raped, beaten, abused to stand up so we can embrace them, support them, love them. Please stand.” I stood up and it was the most amazing feeling I had felt since the rape. I took a deep breath and stood there with feelings of pride and victory for overcoming such a thing. It seemed like hours passed. The director then called those who knew someone who had been raped, beaten, abused to stand. My roommates stood up next to me which filled me with so much comfort and support. I knew they would stand and I needed them to. The three girls behind me also stood up. I’m not sure if they stood up for me, or if it was for someone else that they knew. I know if they didn’t know someone, they would have for me. This gesture meant so much. The environment was so supportive and loving. When the lights went on, I felt that my cheeks were still red from the panic and bliss. I worried about making eye contact with the girls behind us, and didn’t with two of them. The one on the end put her hand on my arm and verbally made a comment about my coat, but really was saying, “I am so sorry. I had no idea.” On our walk to the car, my roommates and I discussed how I felt. They told me how proud they were of me and that they loved me. It was a wonderful evening that I would love to experience every time I am feeling defeated.

Day 2

Day 2 of Celexa went well. Last night I took only the Celexa. I had trouble falling asleep and woke up at 3am, went back to sleep, and woke up again at 5:30 am but was unable to fall back to sleep. I started my light therapy at 7:30 for 30 minutes. Then I went to class for 3 hours, ate lunch, went to class for 1 hour, and then studied at the library for 3 hours. Then we had dinner with some friends. I felt wonderful today. I am not sure if it is from the Celexa or from the light therapy, but something is definitely working. I feel calm and lovey dovey. I did not feel any hatred towards Tom or even really think about the situation. I feel very at peace with myself and with the situation. I took the sedative tonight in hopes that it will help me fall asleep. It is definitely working. Goodnight!

Anger & Forgiveness

Tom,

I finally feel angry towards you. Before I felt sad and angry about the situation, but never angry towards you. I was encouraged from my support system to feel angry towards you, but those feelings were never true. Now they are. I hate you for what you did and I do not ever want to forgive you. Is it even necessary that I forgive you? Is it a sin for me to not forgive you for doing something so awful to me? Why would I forgive you? You don’t deserve it, but I do. I guess that is my answer. After I get past the hurt and the anger, I will forgive you so that I can have peace with myself. I am NOT forgiving you because you deserve it. You deserve nothing but to burn in hell, you rotten son of a bitch.

Daisy

Day 1

Yesterday I visited a psychiatrist, Dr. S. She prescribed me Celexa for depression and Seroquel for help sleeping. She recommended Valerian root as a natural remedy for sleep, but I have not been able to find that. I took the Celexa and Seroquil last night. I felt very drowsy before bed and in the morning when I woke up. My sleep cycle did not change much. I had trouble falling asleep and woke up very early, unable to fall into a deep sleep again. Tonight I will try the Celexa only and see if the drowsy effects are from the Seroquel (a sedative). I took a 2 hour nap today in the late morning. This eased my tired feelings a bit. I continue to feel mellow and like my body is in slow motion. Hopefully these are the effects of the sedative and not the Celexa.

I will be starting treatment for PTSD on March 5 for three hours. It was described to me as a weekly intense therapy that will make me feel worse before I feel better. The reason for this is because they make you relive the experience. I am looking forward to the therapy and for my medication to start working.

You are my sunshine. I am your rain cloud.